Posts
'via Blog this'
First of all, here's a hint why:
"I can try to understand the reasons why men look at pornography but the problem is they do not seem to think about the consequences their spouse feels as a result. When you are in a relationship that involves sex whenever it is wanted, or anything new, it is confusing why the man in the relationship is going elsewhere to "release." Guess what, us women have needs too, if you weren't so involved in looking at some Internet porn you could have your own porn star in the bedroom! I guess my priorities aren't straight and I should take care of my own needs even if it hurts the other partner. Thanks for making me see that relationships are about selfishness!
(Yes, you should! Maybe sometimes it's easier to just do your thing without having to put on a show. Christ.)
Anyway, the article:
"As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. "If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. "I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. "I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage.Why does he need to do this?"
But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?1. They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.
2. They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.
3. In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.
4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.
5. Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we're hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.
6. Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.
7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.
8."Instant gratification isn't fast enough for me,"one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may be the perfect solution for our times."
Selfish, insecure women:
I have always felt that I please him and that he is satisfied. So I dont get why he has to watch the occasionally porn when the (few) times I am not home. which I am always home because I recently lost my job. Porn makes me feel like I dont look good enough for him and that I dont please him so he has to go to that.
(He could be bored anyway. Sometimes a little variety makes us appreciate what we have. It's porn, not hookers.)
He literally can do whatever he wants sexual.. He does however has problems if he is dehydrated.. and sometimes he doenst want to have sex. Hello I have needs to but I dont go looking at porn. or other men. Oh and top of it all he lied about it. and he has a WHOLE lot of pictures and videos of me.. SOO WHY PORN!
(You are trying too hard, and the patheticness of that is a turn-off. ignore him and look at some porn yourself and he will be begging you to pay attention to him.)
My experience as a divorced "older" albeit attractive woman, led me to believe I needed to be "open" to male needs regarding sex. Exiting a long term marriage, with few partners in early life, I received a distinct "message" from men that expectations regarding sexual exploration had changed since I was single in my twenties. I tried, therefore, to be "open" to all my partners habits however frequently expressing my fear that the line b/t reality and fantasy might become murky, and that "needs" might escalate.
My husband enjoys pornography, used it for stimulation regularly, and kept pushing for experiences in "real time" including swapping, strip clubs, sex clubs in SF, increasingly invasive sex tools (I refuse to call these things toys), engagement in adult chat rooms without my knowledge, and finally performing acts on himself that I found truly repulsive.
I slowly found my voice but much too late, and of course he couldn't understand why all this behavior was suddenly not tolerated.
As your last female blogger stated - I wish I had remained true to myself and my integrity - we know inherently what is right for each of us and deviant behavior needs to viewed for what it is - dangerous and very likely damaging.
This behavior combined with other mid-life stressors resulted in my moving out of his house.
One year later we remain married but separated,
and any intimacy is rare.
Prior to reading this website and the attached articles I have been too ashamed to discuss the "sex" issues, thinking myself at fault.
(The reason it is "damaging" to do things you don't want to is because it causes you to "resent" the other person for not being just like "you." Instead of being so desperate to be married you were willing to ignore your own "integrity," you should have stayed single and let this man marry someone more in tune with his "desires.")
It seems that both Jed Diamond and Kurt Smith's comments suggest that women should seek counseling to "get over it". Why do women have to be the ones to just deal with all the emotional pain it creates while a man can just continue consuming women and disregarding his wife's hurt and decreased self-esteem from it?
(Because it's none of your business! it takes nothing from you! Since when do women have a claim on every ounce of come that shoots out of a man? Where do you people get the idea that a guy jerking off has squat to do with you? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.)
ugh. this is just such bullshit! women and men both watch porn equally, and are both just as sexual. i believe that people in monogamous relationships should remain monogamous and not watch porn, but yes, as a woman, it is a constant struggle for me. it is cheating, and anyone who watches it while in a relationship should feel guilty. it is not normal to physically or mentally have sex with someone while committed to someone else.
(Oh my God, physical sex is one thing, but most men mentally have sex with practically all of the women they see! You think you can control that? The audacity. Mind your own life.)
I would like to mention, if the men would tell us want they want, because we don't read minds, they wouldn't have to resolve in looking at porn. I think it's an excuse not to communicate. One man mentioned it gets him steamed up because his wife don't act in that manner. Well, then tell her how you would like her to be. Honey you would look sexy if you were wearing (go buy the outfit) this and get into a doggy position.
(but some girls don't want to do the dirty dog, or give head, or be tied to the bed, or do it on the kitchen table or with extra people involved, so telling what you want and getting what you want is not a done deal.)
I'm trying to understand my desire for internet porn too. But after reading some of these comments... and i don't mean to sound rude... but how many of the women on here has let their body go? I'll no longer attracted to my wife...she's fat! Plain and simple. I'm in decent shape...all i want is for her to lose weight
(and men who are rejected by their wives should take note-that goes both ways.)
f I am mad, or upset I think about why before I confront the issue, I feel that often u find that yourself is the problem with your own emotions. Pron is no different, I set out to understand why it is that men enjoy porn so that I can better understand why it is that I am threatened by my soulmate since I was 11 occasionally enjoying porn. I viewed sited with others asking the same topics and the answers. I learned that no one can understand until people start being honest. I looked further into myself..I do not own or watch porn regularly but when I see it I am aroused, not by the people but by the action. I think its disgusting yet still arousing.
(Finally, a rational person. Porn is disgusting AND arousing!)
While all the reasons listed in the article are probably valid for some men, I believe that some men love porn because they ware chauvinistic, plain and simple. My boyfriend is 20 years older then I am but still refuses to stop buying it even though he clearly knows how much it upsets me. It is, for me anyway, a situation of being with a man who shows little to no respect for women, not even the one he claims to love and I believe it is the same for many others who have that problem with their partners.
(and a rational man. women, stop asking men to do shit they don't want to do. They will hate you. You are only making them feel deprived.)
Men looking at pornography in secrecy is disrespectful to their partner. When life can be so hard and time so short, wasting valuable moments on pornography sickens me. I feel betrayed, because all my efforts to achieve something significant for our life is not reciprocated. I feel alone in my relationship. What is the point?
(Some people look at porn and are more excited to see their partner when they do see them.)
I get sick to my stomach when I listen to men whine that they look at porn because their wives aren't "sexy" enough or provide sex enough. I know from personal experience this is crap.
(YOUR experience. A woman who speaks for everyone is an annoying woman, and I wouldn't doubt porn was a way out for your man.)
The kind of men that are obsessed with porn aren't interested in sex with their wives, they are immature losers who want their lost youth back and use their wives as a scapegoat for their sick addiction.
(Not all people who enjoy erotica are addicted to it, and it's only sick if it's bloody or involves kids.)
and his excuse is " i tryed to wake up and ask u if u want to do something" then i ask him why he deletes the browsing history and hes gettings really upset and says dont accuse me of looking at porn i just delete it everytime i get on. can someone pls give me some advice i sick and tired of it im about ready to call it quits and go on with my life
(Seriously, honey? Boundaries? If I was your man I would get my own computer and lock your ass out of it.)
When life can be so hard and time so short, wasting valuable moments on pornography sickens me.
(Yeah, okay. Let's watch "Real Housewives" then we can snuggle on the couch with a pizza. Fun times.)
(Blank Blank),my boyfriend had.Live webcam sex and said he wanted to get a hotelroom.To have Sex with them.I feel that is cheating on me !
Posted @ Sunday, November 27, 2011 12:22 PM by Amanda (BLANK)
(I blanked out the real name of the guy, but guys, stay away from chicks with the last name Crider.)
He then told me that he also masterbate with the photos. I was soo hurt that I want to walk away. I told him how i felt and he accused me of being insecure and ignorant.
(AND HE'S RIGHT) Shit, if these girls said porn is wrong because some slave trafficked child might be in it, okay, but these women are selfish. They don't want porn around because it takes the attention off of ME ME ME. Anyone who has ever been the smothering focus of a signifigant other who makes you their whole world, day and night and everything, will tell you, "It ain't all it's cracked up to be. In fact, it sucks ass.")
