Florida - God's Waiting Room

Florida - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia:

'via Blog this'. Florida is also known as The awesome State, as due to a natural phenomenon the further north you travel the further south you end up. Indeed, Florida was once part of the Southern United States, but was excommunicated when the Judeo-Cubans founded Miami. Florida is admired because it looks like America taking a piss on Cuba. 


The Florida Panhandle is known to the locals as "Fla" or "Fu*king Lower Alabama."

Florida is not to be confused with the deep south. Its not good enough. but its further south, this is confusing to people further north

A large number of Cubans have been allowed residency in Florida as political refugees, and have become an important voting block in the region. A good, responsible, and American dream following Cuban refugee is Tony "Scarface" Montana. Many tourist attractions have a Cuban "flair" due to this. Key West has the "boat watch" at its southern tip. Hundreds watch for boatloads of Cubans arriving to Florida in homemade rafts. Once here, they urinate in the ocean while facing their former homeland! The Cuban people are warm, friendly, and smell likefish. The Cuban woman are whores and also quite friendly, especially if you yell "Fidel se calló" as you greet them. Why cigars have been allowed to vote, nobody knows. Most of the original refugees were fleeing from the dictatorial communist rule ofFidel Castor inventor of Castor oil, only to be fooled into working low paying jobs in a dictorial capitalist state. George Bush is good friends with Fidel Castor.

Most drivers in Florida are called Floridiots. Many of them drive at 7 MPH in the HOV lane, and are staging a coup to make the world's speed limits 8 MPH, are "voting challenged", and install hanging flowers, gardens, and refillable hard candy bowls at every corner. Mwuhahaha!

(Just kidding. Real Florida drivers aka Tourists usually drive about 100 mph on their interstates because the state is that effing big and it takes that long to get in and out of it. Those who drive any slower eventually give up because they become too old to want to leave, and thus they settle down and retire.

Florida is known for its wide variety of wildlife, all of which sucks, leading to the fundamental question: Why do Florida's animals suck?. As everyone knows, Florida is home to 70 species of animals that will most certainly kill you, as well as 250 that might, and 12,670 that are just plain annoying. Some of Florida's horrible wildlife includes: panthers, crocodiles, coral snakes, locusts, Palmetto bugs,sharks, bees, French Canadians, fire ants, carnival freaks, liberals, Horatio Caine andmockingbirds. Also annoying are the no see'ems and the retirees.

Miami Beach is the "Gayest" city on the planet. Behind San Francisco. And L.A. And New York. And the entirety of Thailand, Bangcock especially.

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According to their definition of a realFloridian, one must: be born in Florida, enjoy a good monster truck rally, know how to hunt and fish, swim with manatees, and regularly wrestle alligators. Membership in the KKK is preferrable, but not absolutely necessary in all areas.

Also, it is the country's largest retirement home, filled with all of the North's unwanted senior citizens. Old people make up 65% of the population, all of them speaking with aNew Jersey-style accent. Most of the above are known for wearing excessive amounts of Chanel No. 5 and 5k gold jewelry which leads to popular jokes such as "Michael Phelps did awesome at the Bejjing Olympics, he now has as much gold as a Miami Jew". They are shipped to Florida by loving family members in the hopes that the next hurricane will kill them.

The population of Key West is 25% rich people with quarter million dollar homes and statues of David and Venus on their lawns, and 75% Homosexuals. You can identify these homosexuals by their name, Jonathan, and they usually have a lazy eye and love lobster fishing. 

(what is with the lazy eyes?)

• Panama City, a literal third world toilet.
• Pot St. Lucie.
• St. Desi.
• Destin.
• Ft.Walton.
• Port Charlotte (Port Toilet).
• Ft. Myers (Fort Misery, no seriously this place sucks).
• Cape Coral (Crap Coral - aka Cape Coma - this place sucks even worse than Fort Misery).

• 
  Largo, where squirrels go to die.
• Winter Haven - Home To Cypress Gardens & The Kwik-E-Mart.
• Baseball City - former Spring Training baseball camp, ideal to house the next wave of Cuban raft refugees.
• Naples- The richest city, Bill Gates has a house in Naples... half the areas in Naples are also named after European cities.
• Venice - Full of retireed Italian old ladies from New Jersey.
• Valrico - Recently annexed by Puerto Rico.
• Palm Bay - GAY! JEWISH! GHETTO! METROSEXUAL! BULLSHIT!
• Melbourne, not in Australia but has British tabloid press headquarters.

• 
  St. Petersburg. Motto: You're in St. Petersburg, Soviet Russia PWNs you.
• Sanford (and Son).
• Homosassa. Motto: That's really our name, stop laughing.
• Rundown Daytona Beach.
• Yulee Beaches.
• Yeehaw Junction (see Redneck's Road Atlas for more info.
• Morty, you're driving too fast!
• Michael Krop Senior High School Ville .
• Kissimmee (Name changed in 1967 to Whore Town).
• Vero Beach. Fourth Richest City in the U.S. bitchessss.

State Flower:	Cannabis
Leading Cause of Death:	Matrix-style shootouts.
Official Language:	Cuban, Indo-Spanish, Eire-Kolumbus
State Bird:	Mosquito
State Fish:	Alligator
State Motto:	"God's Waiting room"
Oficial State Jokes:	Recounts, bad drivers
State Anime:	Inuyasha, dubbed in Spanish
Nickname:	The Penis State
Governor:	Carl Peterson and his torso
State Anthem:	The Dumb Song, by Psychostick
Median Age:	Dead
Standard speed (city):	Five MPH, stuck behind a 110-year old from New York, Ohio, or Michigan.
Standard speed (highway):	Mach 2
Principal imports:	Old people, illegal aliens (both generally arriving in old cars, although only one by land), empty coffins, children tricked into visiting a large mouse castle, atmospheric storms, Child Supermodels, Liberals, Cubans, Jews (they end up in Miami)
Principal exports:	Cocaine, Michigan's National Championship votes, illegal aliens (heading north or being deported), filled coffins,feces, voting ballots, space shuttles, citrus, boy bands, Creed, kicked ass, storm victims, Really shitty music, Creed, Republicans, bullshit, scams
Principal industries:	Tourism, nursing homes, boy band synthesizing, drug smuggling, assault weapons, manipulating votes, citrus production, child molestation
Fun Fact # 1:	Was the name of the mom on Good Times ( portrayed by Ester Rolle)
Fun Fact # 2:	Was named by Ponce de Leon(portrayed byErik Estradaon Good Times)
Official Sandwich:	Retired Dolphins on stale bread (served with injuries and Gatorade)